Chapter One

LONELINESS

Introduction

EMPTY GLASS KEEP THE LOVE loneliness
WHEN YOU'RE ALONE LONG TIME CAROLINA RAIN
IN YOUR EYES MIRROR, MIRROR SEASONS CHANGE
CRYING DREAMING NIGHTS ALONE
IF I ONLY AUTUMN MEMORIES

Introduction

We've all felt it at one time or another. That indescribable emptiness, that feeling of despair and deep inner pain. In a word, loneliness.

For some of us that feeling nearly becomes a part of us. A dark part that we don't always like to show to others simply because it sometimes masquerades as a weakness or an inability to cope with our daily lives. True loneliness is perhaps one of the strongest emotions a human can experience. And it has many faces. It's entirely possible to experience this emotion in a crowd. One doesn't have to be alone to be lonely. It can strike at any time and may never disappear entirely. Everyone has their own way of dealing with loneliness. Some try to ignore it or fill up the emptiness in a variety of ways. Some try to escape from it, and some, unfortunately, decide not to deal with it at all and choose suicide as a way out of the nightmare it can often become.

When I first went out "on my own" my job took me away from my loved ones for extended periods of time so, for me, loneliness became as much a part of my life as breathing. No matter what I was doing or where I was it was always there, always waiting to take control and push me into depression. Sometimes it won and sometimes it was a draw but I was never able to conquer the feeling entirely. Many nights I sat alone, writing letters to my girlfriend back home and I would stop and write a poem about what I was feeling, I knew she was having her own difficulties dealing with the loneliness and, for me, it was a way of showing her that we were both in it together and it was something we could deal with together even from a distance. So, in this way, loneliness became an inspiration for many of the earlier poems I wrote. Putting those feelings on paper seemed to help me to understand and control them better.

I eventually married that "girl back home" and now I seldom feel that old familiar pain but the memories of how it was are never too deep inside. And I guess it taught me an important lesson as well. It seems that the only way to handle loneliness is to face up to it and share the feelings with another person who may be feeling it too. Perhaps the only thing worse than being alone is suffering alone.

So join me now as we walk through some old memories of mine and maybe, if you're lonely now or ever have been, you'll see that you aren't so alone after all. A lot of us have been there before, and survived.

A.W.G.

EMPTY GLASS

So many nights I spent alone,
Surrounded by the crowd.
My silent memories haunting
With the music playing loud.

Holding on to broken dreams,
Drinking with my friends.
Forgetting every song they played,
They never seemed to end.

People dancing all around,
While I sat on my stool.
Making toasts that no one heard
And feeling like a fool.

Take a drink to loneliness,
Have a drink on me.
Gaze into the empty glass,
Tell me what you see.

Reflections of a broken heart,
Beating out of tune.
Fill it up again my friend,
I must be leaving soon.

Closing time is drawing near,
So pour another round.
Almost crying time again
Unless the memories drown.

One last drink to emptiness,
I feel it closing in.
The glowing warmth of nothingness
Has saved me once again.

I've looked at life in may ways,
But lived it all in dreams.
Escaping from a senseless fear
Of life's realities.


Now I find myself alone,
Imprisoned by the past.
Viewing life through silent tears
And another empty glass.

Share just one more drink with me,
And I'll be going home.
I love to have a drink with friends,
But I have to cry alone.

KEEP THE LOVE

Silent nights and lonely dreaming,
Oh, I wish I knew,
Just what I could do,
But I'm here without you.

They tell me that the sun is shining.
I still feel the rain,
Here it comes again.
Why must I feel the pain?

I remember you're the one who loves me,
Keep my heart in tune,
We'll fly to the moon,
Or is it still to soon?

The way your eyes can sparkle,
Is music to my soul.
Oh God, I want you with me,
Please chase away the cold.

Just don't let the love go
And we'll never grow too old.

Though I know the night is still young,
Still I go to sleep.
The darkness is deep,
And your visions I keep.

The night creates my silent dreaming,
You're a dreamer's star,
I know that you are.
Your light travels far.

To love you as I love you now,
That is all I need.
If we both believe,
Our love will not deceive.

But still the tears keep falling,
They're raining from the sky.
Too many lonely evenings,
Too many sad good-byes.

Just don't let the love die,
Keep me feeling high.


Open up your heart and love me.
Whisper me a song,
I'll try to sing along.
My dreams go on and on.

But baby when the dreams are over,
You're still not here,
Should I shed a tear?
Is there reason to fear?

Watch the sky, the stars are listening.
Do you feel okay?
What would you say
If I carried you away?

We'll share our secrets together,
And climb the golden stair.
The sun will keep on shining,
We'll find the answers there.

Your love is in the air,
I'm so glad that you care.



loneliness

late at night and far away,
sitting here alone,
nothing takes the pain away,
the music lingers on.

darkness, like a blanket,
shadows all around.
loneliness and sorrow,
no place to settle down.

WHEN YOU'RE ALONE (IT AIN'T EASY)

Remember all the loneliness,
Crying all alone.
No one there to hold you close,
So hard to carry on.

Fake a smile to all your friends,
To keep from breaking down.
But then it's not so easy,
When there's no one else around.

When you're alone,
It just ain't easy,
To keep the tears inside.
Just you alone,
It's never easy,
Feelings hard to hide.

Love songs all around you,
Remind you of the pain.
Outside the sun is shining,
But in your heart there's rain.


Hanging on to someone,
Believing in a dream.
To afraid to let it go,
Much harder than it seems.

But still your love keeps growing,
With each new passing day.
And the loneliness you're feeling,
Soon will pass away.

When you're alone
It just ain't easy,
To make the dreams come true.
I'll soon be home,
Just keep believing,
I'll share the dreams with you.


LONG TIME

Alone again in the evening,
Near the middle of night.
Full moon rising above me,
Casting ghostly yellow light.

My thoughts drift back to memories,
Memories carved in stone.
It's been a long time since I've held you,
I should be flying home.

Darkness stretches before me,
No stars to guide my way.
The moon is slowly sinking,
Making way for a lonely day.

The memories make me shiver,
As the sun begins to shine.
Wishing I was there beside you,
It's been such a long, long time.


CAROLINA RAIN

Back in California
By the San Diego sea,
That was when I lost control,
And you lost sight of me.

I left in such a hurry,
No time to say good-bye,
Searching for some peace of mind,
Or maybe a place to die.

But something kept me going,
The sun rose every day.
It gave me strength to carry on,
The dark clouds went away.

I climbed aboard that silver bird,
And left it all behind.
Still searching for some answers,
I felt I had to find.

So I flew on back to Arkansas,
And found you waiting there.
You made my oldest dream come true
When you said you really cared.

But things at home were not the same,
I had to travel on.
I packed my bags and headed east,
Again I was alone.

Southern Carolina,
Held out her arms for me.
I brought your love along,
To keep me company.

Carolina rain,
Streaming down my face.
Wish I had you here
To wash the tears away.

Carolina rain,
Soaking through my shoes.
I'll never be the same,
Till I'm back again with you.

I think about you always,
Each night you're in my dreams.
At times I even reach for you,
So real to life they seem.

Our love will keep us going,
Although we're far apart.
I've given you my love to keep,
And you've given me your heart.

Carolina rain,
Please wash away my blues.
Soon our day must come,
Forever I'll be with you.

IN YOUR EYES

These four walls that surround me,
Stare with an empty face.
The memories that we made here,
Framed and put in place.

A warm night wind is blowing,
But alone, I feel so cold.
The time to leave is coming,
Tonight I feel so old.

What would you think if I called you,
To hear your voice on the phone,
Just to tell you I love you,
And ask you to please hold on.

Life is but a passing game,
I'm trying to win the prize.
The trophy is my image,
Reflected in your eyes.

I'm so very much in love babe,
Sometimes I feel it's a dream.
I need to wake up beside you,
And make it as real as it seems.

The wind is whispering your name,
As I watch the darkening skies.
The stars shine brightly above,
Much like the glow in your eyes.

Your face is floating before me,
An angel caught in a frame.
Blinking back tears of loneliness,
I try to ignore the pain.

But we're not that far from our dream,
Soon we'll reach paradise.
I have a reason to believe,
I found it deep in your eyes.


MIRROR, MIRROR

Mirror , Mirror what is wrong?
I've been waiting much too long.
Waiting for a love to share,
Now I have no time to spare.
Even while I write this song,
I'm feeling like I don't belong.
I've been searching everywhere,
Hoping for someone to care.

There's a girl who waits for me,
But how long can she last,
By holding on to broken dreams
And memories of the past.

She needs me there to hold her close,
And catch her when she falls.
The loneliness has hurt her so,
I feel it when she calls.

Mirror, tell me, what to do,
To make her smile again.
I don't know quite what to do,
To make these feelings end.

Mirror, mirror, can you see,
What these years have done to me?
Spending all my nights alone,
Waiting for someone to phone.

Reflections that you're showing me,
Isn't who I used to see.
It's someone else, a face unknown,
A part of me that seldom shows.

The smile that used to be so clear,
Is somewhere lost inside.
Washed away by many tears,
It found a place to hide.

Time goes so much fast now,
The years just come and go.
It seems that I've forgotten how
To take the future slow.

And I'm running, for the last time,
Before I settle down.
I'm so lonely, for the last time,
And there's no one else around.


SEASONS CHANGE
 

It's hard to say where it all went wrong,
Like listening to the same old song,
The tune's the same but I'm not sure where
I heard it first, my past unclear.


It's funny how the time goes by,
I never knew how it could fly.
The summer leaves have turned to brown,
Before I know it they'll be on the ground.

Never thought about tomorrow,
Seemed like a long time away.
Now I'm drowning in my sorrow,
Thinking of all my yesterdays.

Never thought I'd be so lonely,
After such a long, long time,
Or pay so much but never own
The things I thought were mine.

Still I'm hoping the sun will shine,
And she's the only thing on my mind.
Winter's coming, I feel so old,
If she were here I'd never feel the cold.

But here I am so all alone and sad,
Never thought I'd ever feel this bad.
The hands of time are quietly ticking by,
I try to sleep but I can only cry.

No one here to see the tears fall,
As they overflow my eyes.
Desperately hoping she might call,
To tell a few more pretty lies.

Does she know I'm thinking of her,
Or does she really even care?
Many times I said I love her,
Did I ever made it clear?

Every morning the cold winds blow,
Still so many things I'll never know.
Sometimes it seems so hard to understand,
It didn't turn out quite the way I planned.

Now I realize it's not a game,
And I know I'll never be the same.
The season's changing now and so am I,
Another chance at love has passed me by.

CRYING IN THE RAIN

I'm crying in the rain,
So no one sees the pain,
It's too hard to explain
The way I feel.
I'm lost without your love,
Rain falls down from above,
It's you I'm thinking of,
I need you here.

The feelings I get when you smile,
Excite me like no other lover.
Something in the way you touch,
Tells me there can be no other.

I've been a dreamer since the beginning,
You're in my dreams till the end.
You're so much more than a lover,
My partner, companion, my friend.

I'm holding on so tight,
To thoughts of you each night,
The feeling is oh so right,
I can't live without you.
Needing you more each day,
Please don't take your love away,
Tell me, what more can I say?
Oh baby, I Love You.


DREAMING

Here I am alone again,
It's midnight on the coast.
Watching moonlit shadows,
Moving quietly as ghosts.


Staring out the window,
Into the starry night.
Tomorrow just a promise,
Far removed from sight.

Her memories gather 'round me,
Encircling me with love.
This time every evening,
It's her I'm thinking of.

She's slipping off her clothes now,
Letting down her hair.
Probably thinking of me,
And wishing I was there.

But here I am pretending,
And needing her so bad.
Trying to recall,
The happy times we had.

I almost see her lying there,
And trying not to weep.
A lonely tear slips down her face
Before she falls asleep.

I wonder what she's dreaming,
And if she dreams of me.
And if she smiles while sleeping
Are the smiles because of me.

Now I close my eyes,
Remembering how we were,
Hoping that my memories,
Will bring me dreams of her.


NIGHTS ALONE

She's out there under the starlight,
The tears are in her eyes.
With all his heart, he knows,
She must get lonely.
He's sitting there in the moonlight,
And soon he'll realize,
Right from the start, he knows
She loves him only.

She doesn't know what is missing
Whenever he's gone away,
But in her soul, she feels,
There's something dying.
He thinks about softly kissing
Her loneliness away.
He needs her so, and still,
He can't stop crying.

Every night he holds her,
But only in his dreams.
Reaching out to touch her,
So real they often seem.

And every night she calls him,
But only in her sleep.
Listens for his answer,
The silence flows so deep.

The years of patient waiting,
Are soon to reach the end.
It had to come, they knew,
They kept believing,
Their long anticipating,
Will pay off in the end.
They'll live as one, it's true,
There's no deceiving.

For all their nights together,
So many nights alone.
They wonder how the love
Just kept on growing.
It seems to last forever,
It still goes on and on.
They feel it now, above,
The night is glowing.

IF I ONLY HAD A DOLLAR

Seems like so many years ago,
I set out on my own.
Thinking I'd be a king someday
And sit on a magic throne.

Searching for a rainbow garden,
With flowers made of gold.
But the only thing I found growing
Was my own self growing old.

If I only had a dollar
For every time I phoned,
I'd catch the next plane homeward,
Instead of staying here alone.

You know I'd love to be there,
To stay just a day or two.
I've had enough of leaving,
But I'll never get enough of you.

Been from Maine to California,
And seen all I want to see.
Had a taste of city living,
But found out it's not for me.

Only thing I ever cared for,
Is waiting so far away.
I see her in my dreams at night
And need her more every day.

If I only had a dollar,
For every time I drink
To give myself excuses
So I don't have to think,

I'd be a rich man honey,
And buy you diamond rings,
Instead of sitting in this bar alone,
And hearing these losers sing.


Thought I'd live some perfect dreams,
And knew what I had to do.
But I guess I didn't think enough,
So few of the dreams came true.

Now I know I went to far,
To seek what I had to find.
You're the thing that mattered most
And I left you far behind.

If I only had a dollar,
For every time I cried,
I'd be on my way to see you
And be forever by your side.

But that's not how it happened,
I'm right here without a dime.
If loneliness is my prison,
Then loving you was my crime.


MEMORIES

Another cup on loneliness,
Poured upon my heart.
Another night without you,
I feel I'll fall apart.

Will I ever lose the feeling?
Pain so hard to bear.
No one sees the emptiness,
Would they even care?

Smiles so sweet, you're beautiful,
Pictures on my wall.
Love so deep within your eyes,
Remind me of it all.

Skin so soft like silk and lace,
Grows warmer with each touch.
Memories trapped inside my heart,
I love you, babe, so much.

I need you here beside me now,
A dream to love and hold.
Arms around me all night long,
To chase away the cold.

Do you feel the same way too,
At night when you're alone?
Do you count each minute passed,
Until I come back home?

Breath so warm against my face,
Two hearts beat as one.
Kisses in a darkened room,
Love so deep and strong.

Teardrops glisten on your face,
You whisper in my ear,
"They're only tears of happiness,
You know I love you, dear."

Memories of the love we share,
Each time we're together.
Love songs on the radio,
Our song will last forever.

Bodies joined in love's sweet glow,
Making time stand still.
So much better than a dream,
The feelings are so real.

Hold on now, we're almost there,
Passion starts to rise.
Feel the warmth, the stars can't match
The glow within your eyes.

Soon we'll reach that sweet release,
I'll spend my life with you.
Next time that I see you,
We'll make our dreams come true.


AUTUMN

The summer warmth is fading
As the year grows old,
And the dying sun is sinking low.
The days are so much shorter,
And the nights are cold.
Feel the cold winds blow,
And you're all alone.

The golden leaves of autumn
Will be falling soon,
As their colors fade to winter brown.
You see her face reflected
In the frozen moon.
But she's not around,
And you're all alone.

Like the warm summer rain,
You came to love me.
Like a bird on the wing, you flew away.
Now a rainbow of colors
Fade around me.
In the cold autumn wind, they fly away.

You watch the birds fly south
To reach their winter homes,
And see them slowly disappear.
You would like to follow,
You feel so alone,
And she's not here,
And you're all alone.

A gentle rain falls softly
From the darkened sky.
Soon the dying leaves are shedding tears.
You quickly follow,
As you start to cry,
And she's not here,
You're all alone.


Now the sunlight is gone,
Darkness surrounds me.
Like a thief in the night, it slipped away.
Soon I'm dreaming of you,
Your arms around me.
Like the cold morning light, you're far away.